Hello world! I’ve been hiding for the past sixteen months, and the universe is saying “no more”, and it’s really scary. Today I was notified that my blog is listed in the top 25 personal growth blogs of 2015 from the Institute of the Psychology of Eating. Today is also the anniversary of my first award from the IPE back in 2012. That day was bitter sweet. You see, that day triggered a huge transformation for me in my personal and professional life. Professionally I was thrilled! I felt acknowledged, justified and validated in my work. I had been writing for a few years completely for myself. I had little knowledge anyone was reading my blog. I did get comments, and a lot of spam, so I dis-abled the comments which left me with no information at all about the readership. It didn’t matter. The blog was my own little haven to tell my story. And my story changed on that day personally as well. When I received notice for my acknowledgement, I was ecstatic! I emailed my closest friends to say thank you for your support and encouragement, someone other than my ‘besties’ had been reading along. And after I sent that email to my peeps, I heard the ding of my incoming email. Someone had responded…YES! And as I clicked to my incoming mail, the title of the email was not about my award. It read “I have been having an affair with your husband.” Now, of course I initially thought this was spam, as you do, and I was about to delete it, but something caught my eye, and I opened the email. And sure as daylight, the sender knew things about my husband only a wife or lover would know, was very up to date on my 8 year old’s whereabouts, habits and summer activities, seemed to know lots of details about my parents, and of course, was well informed about me. Yes, the woman my husband was having an affair with was mad at him, and decided to let me know what was going on.
I can honestly say it was the most sickening feeling I have ever felt…ever. I was beyond ill. It’s every woman’s worst nightmare, and I could not comprehend that it was actually happening to me. And the worst of it was, I didn’t have the guts to tell anyone as I was so ashamed, so I carried this around for almost 2 years (of course I did address the situation with my husband who tried to deny it) before I shared it with my family and friends. I did confide in 2 friends, and a few people knew, the couples at school whom my now X husband used to hang out with. Gee that wasn’t uncomfortable at all. The moms who I had befriended at my daughter’s school stopped talking to me. I was no longer included in the Saturday night outings or the family play-dates. I guess I had an L tattooed to my forehead. I’m not sure if it stood for ‘loser’ or ‘loner’. It doesn’t really matter. I was knee deep in my practice of forgiveness and determined not to be a victim. And I don’t blame them one bit. I wouldn’t want to be involved in someone else’s personal mess either. That’s an awkward place to be. Now before you feel sorry for me or think ‘victim’…it’s been 3 years and my life is transformed in a thousand ways which I will eventually share with you. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man who is on the same spiritual path as me, and life is very good.
That story is another blog…and a really amazing one.
Speaking of being a victim, I clearly remember the moment I found out about the betrayal, I made a promise to myself NOT to become a victim, not to wear the victim hat or play the role. I guess that is why I decided not to share the truth with anyone. Even the families that knew…we never spoke of it. It was the elephant in the room, for sure.
My struggle was deep, as being a spiritual student, I was determined to get to forgiveness, which I did, and work on the marriage. I never threw the affair in my husband’s face. I was all about moving forward and of course healing our relationship. We went to marriage counselling and for a bit, it seemed things would work out. And the truth is, after a year and a half of working, there were a lot of untruths that became clear to me. I really didn’t know who I was living with, and one day, the work was over. Fast forward to the day before I left.
I was doing groups at a rehab in Delray called Lifescape Solutions. It was a Wednesday night, and I was working with the outpatient clients. There was a guy who was in recovery and also a student of A Course in Miracles. He had been at my groups over the past few weeks, and I really enjoyed talking to him. We’ll call him Rick. Rick had a girlfriend whom he lived with. Each week he shared another problem he was having at home. And I wondered why he stayed. So I asked him. He said something very profound that night, and I had a shift. He said he stayed because he was still judging her, and there was still work to be done. And at that moment, I knew my relationship was over. I was no longer judging my husband. I had completely forgiven him for the betrayal, and the relationship was over. The next day we had a marriage counselling session. We got in an argument in the car on the way, and my husband came in to the appointment to tell the therapist he would not be attending, and left me in Boca with no transportation, and I made a firm decision. I told the therapist I was done, the relationship was over. It was time for me to step into my power, and it wasn’t going to happen if I stayed in the marriage. Our sacred contract had run it’s course (in the marriage sense), and it was time to start a new chapter in my life. And Halleluiah…I have.
Next chapter…stepping in to my power, falling in love, and making a career out of spreading happy!
Thanks for reading, to be continued next week. XOXO